


A long way from okay

by StarlessSky72



Series: Your hell won't let me in [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, My First Fanfic, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, Zuko (Avatar) Needs Therapy, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko (Avatar) whump, Zuko (Avatar)-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:49:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27396010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlessSky72/pseuds/StarlessSky72
Summary: One year after the end of the war, Zuko and Iroh are both kidnapped by Ozai suppporters, only one of them makes it out alive. The gaang helps Zuko pick up the pieces in the aftermath.
Relationships: Hakoda & Zuko (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Suki & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Your hell won't let me in [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005249
Comments: 21
Kudos: 110





	1. The beginning of grief

“Sokka I found him! Oh Agni, Sokka, come quickly.”

  
Suki began to pick the locks holding Zuko upright. Zuko looked horrible, blood ran down his face and torso. His armor and shirt was gone. His hair which had reached just past his shoulders was now around the same length it had been in Ba Sing Se, blood soaked messy bangs were plastered across his forehead. Zuko's eyes suddenly opened, and he gasped in pain as Suki freed his wrists which were rubbed raw and bloody. Suki helped lower him to the ground unable to hold up the larger boys’ weight.

  
“Hey, Zuko it’s okay. It’s Suki. You’re okay, we’re going to get you out of here.”

  
Suki pushed Zuko's hair out of his face revealing a large cut sluggishly bleeding across his left cheek, along with the now empty eye socket.

  
Sokka ran into the cell, Zuko letting out a sob at the sight of him. Sokka rushed over to Zuko and looked at him, at the damage inflicted upon his body.

  
In a very quiet voice, he whispered, “Can I pick you up. Will it hurt you too much for me to carry you. We can make a stretcher if we need to.”  
Zuko turned his pain glazed eyes upon Sokka's and opened his mouth ever so slightly. However, no words came out, he tried again wincing as the movements pulled on his damaged face.

  
“Yes, I’m fine”

  
“You’re not but if it won’t hurt you too much and you’re okay with that. On the count of three, two, one.”

  
Sokka quickly lifted him up into his arms, Zuko screamed, so loud it hurt Suki's ears. Sokka glared at him, “Really Zuko, I’ll be fine, what a load of bullshit.”

  
“Umm, guys we should go” Suki called from down the hall.

  
...

  
When they got to the little camp they had set up, Sokka rushed Zuko to the Katara, Zuko unconscious in his arms. Katara ran immediately to him and motioned for him to place Zuko on the ground so she could begin to tend to his wounds. Sokka stayed despite Katara telling him to leave, helping wherever he could. Zuko gained consciousness as she began sewing up his leg, Sokka having to hold him down as he whispered comforting nothings to Zuko. The worst was when Katara had to deal with the new wound on Zuko's face, cutting right over Zuko's old scar. Zuko begged for Katara not to touch his face, and screamed some more as Katara forced water into him empty eye socket to try and stop the bleeding. Sokka just watched and holding Zuko's left hand his right broken in five different places. Overall, he had broken bones in his hand and leg, a missing eye and the empty hole in his heart where Iroh once lay. Suki later came in after the Katara had left to go sleep after healing Zuko. Suki brought with her fresh pair of clothes. Zuko had since fallen back into unconsciousness. Suki and Sokka tried to clean Zuko up best they could, but there was so much blood.

  
...

Zuko woke a short while later, Sokka glanced over at him as Zuko managed to sit up right. Katara noticing he was awake grabbed Sokka before he could say anything to Zuko. She pulled Sokka and Suki out of ear shot.

  
“Has he said anything.” Katara questioned.

  
“No.” Sokka said “he has not.”

  
“He knows about Iroh right” Suki whispered. They had found Iroh first, the gore and blood that had lain streaked across Iroh's cell was enough to give Sokka nightmare's for weeks to come.

  
“I don’t know”

  
Katara turned a disapproving eye upon them. “If he does not know telling him will only hurt him more than she already is. I will not have you two distressing him more than he already is. Obviously, we won't keep it from him if he doesn't know but I need to get an idea of what mental state he's in right now.” With that Katara made her way over to Zuko and sat down on the ground in front of him. “Zuko?” Zuko flinched at her words. "Zuko, it's Katara, your safe, okay? Do you remember what happened?"

  
Zuko stared at nothing for a few minutes, Sokka sharing a worried look with Suki, before Zuko said in a low raspy voice, “He’s dead, Iroh's dead, I could hear it, he was tortured in the cell down the hall.” Zuko paused, looking at Katara and she watched as the light left Zuko’s eyes. She watched as the life left Zuko’s eyes though he was far from dead. Zuko stared at her a moment longer before he dissolved completely and broke down in sobs. Suki rushed forward and held Zuko close pressing a kiss to his temple. Sokka looked like he was going to be sick. Katara felt completely hopeless as she watched her friend be consumed by his misery unable to resurface.

  
*Three weeks later*

  
Hakoda hurried down the dark hall as muffled screams and cries echoed down the hallway, coming from the Firelord’s chamber. Hakoda at come to the fire nation at his son’s request, Sokka frantic and grieving over Iroh’s death and concerned for Zuko’s physical and mental wellbeing. Hakoda had come in a heartbeat leaving the village in Kanna’s hands as he rushed to the Caldera. Finally reaching the young Firelord’s door, he carefully opened the door being as quiet as possible. The still sleeping figure thrashed in sharp movements on the bed, before disappearing with a large thump on the opposite side of the bed. Hakoda quickly walked over to the figure now on the floor wide now wide awake. Hakoda approached Zuko carefully not wanting to startle the young man.

  
“Zuko.” Hakoda said carefully. Zuko launched himself at Hakoda tackling the older man to the ground, quickly wrapping her hand around Hakoda’s throat. Hakoda didn’t panic, this had happened before, instead he placed one hand on the right side of Zuko’s face wiping away the tears still freely flowing down his cheek. Zuko’s left eye was tightly bandaged still and Hakoda was careful not to touch, while putting his other hand on one of Zuko’s wrist in an attempt to ground him and get Zuko to let go of his choke hold on Hakoda’s neck.

  
He managed choked out, “Zuko, it’s Hakoda, son, calm down, you’re safe.”

  
Zuko seemed to snap out of his dream and let go of his throat scrambling away from Hakoda and into the corner of the room, wincing as the movements jostled his still healing wounds. Hakoda rubbed at his neck thinking that the bruise would not be too bad this time and tried again to approach the shaking boy in the corner.

  
“Zuko” he crooned slowly getting closer to Zuko.

  
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. I’ll be better, please don’t hurt me” Zuko whimpered, his voice barely a whisper.

  
“Shh, Zuko it’s all right. I’m not mad, I’m not going to hurt you son.” Zuko didn’t stop him this time as Hakoda moved forward and gathered Zuko to his chest, Zuko sobbing into his shoulder. Hakoda gently rocked Zuko back and forth stroking his short hair, praying to Tui and La for guidance.


	2. It feels like we can't move forward

Zuko woke in Hakoda’s arms, and found that at some point during the night they had moved onto his bed. Hakoda was still gently running his fingers through Zuko’s short hair. That alone made Zuko want start crying again, despite all the work he had put in to try and restore peace he in the eyes of some was still a traitor to his people and unfit to rule. And now Uncle was gone, the tears really did start flowing then. Hakoda seeming to notice just held Zuko tighter.

Zuko must have fallen back asleep because the next thing he knew, Hakoda still holding him appeared to be talking to someone else. Zuko looked up to find the wide eyes of a servant.

“Avatar Aang is temporarily taking over Firelord’s duties while Zuko heals, you are to leave Firelord Zuko alone. Is that understood.” Hakoda was saying in a cold and protective voice.

The servant just bowed low and quickly left the room. Hakoda sighed before noticing that Zuko was awake.

“Zuko, how are you feeling?”

Zuko didn’t respond instead he pushed himself away from Hakoda’s grip., getting off of the bed wordlessly limping to his bathing chamber. Hakoda watched him sadly and got up, but he did not leave. When Zuko reemerged Hakoda watched disapprovingly and stumbled with his broken leg nearly falling flat on his face. Hakoda caught Zuko before he fell and helped him over to the bed.

“It’s only been a few weeks Zuko, nobody expects for you to recover that quickly.”

Zuko turned and annoyed look to Hakoda, “Except they do, Aang can’t stand in for me forever, even the servants think so. Though I’m not sure why, I’m such a pathetic Firelord.”

“Zuko you’re only a teenager, your doing everything you can.”

“If I was really doing everything I could Uncle would still be alive.” Zuko said in a low whisper, lower enough that Hakoda figured it wasn’t meant for his ears.

The door of Zuko’s chambers opened a short while later, Aang and Katara walking in. Zuko hated the looks a sorrow they threw his way. He was fine, he had delt with worse, he’d get through it, if only everyone would stop babying him. It was lie and Zuko knew it, but it was the only thing keeping hi, together right now.

Katara was saying something to Hakoda, Zuko was too far into his own head to really care, until Aang rested a hand on Zuko’s right shoulder. He was vaguely aware of Hakoda leaving the room while Katara turned to Zuko.

“Are you up for another healing session?”

Zuko just shrugged, he really didn’t car, if he never healed it would be what he deserved.

“Okay then, there’s not a lot I can do for your leg at this point, it was a clean break which is good and should heal nicely. Most of the more minor cuts and burns on your body are also healed, though some of them are going to scar. My biggest concern if your face.” She said uncorking her bending water. “I know you don’t like me touching your face, Zuko but I need to make sure that nothing gets infected.”

Aang’s hand tighten on Zuko’s shoulder, trying to offer comfort. Zuko, nodded mutely, not really knowing what to say. He knew Katara was right, but that didn’t make it any easier. He was already spiraling back to a thirteen-year-old screaming from the burn across his face. Somehow it seemed worse this time, he had retained some vision in his eye after the infection had gone down in those first couple weeks after the Agni Kai. As if the new scar wasn’t bad enough, his captors had taken his eye. Katara began to undo the bandages around Zuko’s head slowly muttering quiet reassurances as Zuko tensed under her hands.

Katara winced slightly as the sight of Zuko’s empty eye socket and the cut running through it, thank Tui and La it wasn’t infected but that didn’t make the wound any less horrible. She looking Zuko in his one remaining eye, “are you ready?”

“Just get on with it.”

Katara gathered water in her hand and pressed in up against Zuko’s face forcing it into his eye socket. To his credit, Zuko barely winced and didn’t scream or try to push away like the first week after the fact. Not that, it was any more pleasant then it was two weeks ago. When she was done Katara grabbed new bandaged tightly wrapping his head again. Aang who still kept his grip on Zuko’s shoulder exchanged a worried look with Katara as Zuko kept looking down at his lap refusing to meet either of their gazes. Physically they knew Zuko would be okay, mentally seemed to be a whole other problem.

…

The fire nation officials were growing restless with Zuko’s absence, Hakoda knew. As he and Aang sat threw another meeting. The problem was with many of the biggest peace meetings done, a majority of the meetings now were only for the fire nation something that Hakoda had no knowledge of. Aang, the poor kid, was trying his best to maintain the peace during those meetings, but there was little a thirteen-year-old do when a bunch of grown men were yelling at each other over the Fire nation education system. Not for the first time Hakoda wished General Iroh was still here. He would have known what to do. One top of that the Kyoshi warriors along with Sokka were no closer to find out who exactly was responsible for General Iroh’s death and Zuko’s injuries. Hakoda was about to head to one of said meetings when he heard to the door to his bedroom open. Katara stood in the doorway looking defeated. Hakoda motioned for her to enter. She quietly walked in closing the door behind her. Iroh’s death had taken a toll on her as well. Much like Hakoda Iroh had all but adopted the other children, and for him to be so abruptly taken from all of them was a bit of a shock to all of them. 

“He’s not getting any better Dad.” Katara said practically collapsing into his arms, “He’s doing better physically but, he barely talks to reacts to the people and things around him, I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re doing everything you can, sweetheart. Somethings take time, you didn’t bounce back right away after your mother’s death, Katara. He just needs time to process what’s happened.”

“But that’s what I’m afraid of, will he still be the same once he’s processed his grief? We’ve already lost Iroh, I can’t lose Zuko as well.”

"I know, Katara, I know" Hakoda whispered rubbing small circles into her back as she cried. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I got this chapter up way faster then I thought I would, I can't grantee that all the chapters will be up that fast. Also, Katara's feelings toward Zuko are purely platonic for this fic, sorry Zutara shippers. Thanks again for reading, feedback is appreciated.


	3. Progress takes time

They held Iroh’s funeral at dawn, a month after his death. It was a somber affair, Zuko was finally strong enough to stand on his own just long enough for the funeral to take place, albeit with crutches. The poor boy hadn’t spoken a word the entire time. Toph had managed to come from he metal bending academy, though she wouldn’t be able to stay long. Aang had quietly sobbed into Katara’s shoulder the entire time, Katara barely keeping herself together. Sokka and Suki were angrier than sad, they had been busying themselves with the investigation, though with most of the Ozai supports in jail they weren’t sure were to even begin. The small abandoned underground prison where they had found Zuko had little to no clues to help identify the people responsible.

Hakoda was most worried about Zuko, while he had the others, Iroh had been his only family that cared for him, more of a father to Zuko then an Uncle. It was clear that Zuko was in shock over the events, and Hakoda was just waiting for him to finally snap. His nightmares were not getting any better, Toph had taken to sleeping in Zuko’s room, afraid of leaving him alone, though Hakoda had no doubt that one of the other children would gladly take her place when she left. Which left the other problem Hakoda couldn’t stay in the fire nation forever. He would stay as long as Zuko needed him but he’d have to go back the Water tribe eventually.

Thankfully the members of the white lotus had been there for Iroh’s funeral. Master Piandao who apparently knew Zuko when he was younger had decided to stay at the palace to take Iroh’s place as Zuko’s advisor. Now that Zuko was physically better, Katara had deemed him fit enough to take up some of his Firelord duties once again, though Aang would still be in charge of a few of them.

…

As much as Zuko wanted to take back up his Firelord duties he was nervous for his first meeting. It wasn’t anything big or super important in hindsight, just the finishing touches on negotiations for trade routes between the Fire nation and Water tribe, and Hakoda would be there so it really shouldn’t be freaking him out. Yet he felt like curling back under his covers. He didn’t feel like the Firelord and he certainly didn’t look the part. His hair had been too short to do anything with, so the crown was a no go. Not to mention the bandaged still covering his face. He steeled his nerves and walked out of his room and to the council chamber.

Everyone was already there much to Zuko’s displeasure, he didn’t think he was going to be that late. Trying to ignore the stares at the state of his hair and face Zuko sat at the head of the table, Hakoda mercifully sitting on the spot to his left with Sokka next to his father and Piandao on his right.

The meeting went smoother than Zuko thought it would, he was glad that most of the negotiations had already been taken care of almost two months prior. After the meeting was over Piandao clapped him on the back after everyone else besides Hakoda and Sokka had left.

“You did good Zuko, your Uncle would be proud.”

Zuko froze under his touch, and Piandao immediately regretted his words, too soon, it was way too soon. Hakoda shot him a dirty look over Zuko’s head, Sokka gently lead Zuko out of the room and back to his chambers.

Once they made it to Zuko’s room, Zuko started to take off his armor and Firelord robes, haphazardly dropping them on the floor.

“Zuko you have to talk to someone; you can’t carry on like this”

“How can I?” Zuko said in a small voice, “He was my only family, and he’s dead because of me. I’m the reason why he’s no longer here. I shouldn’t even be Firelord, the crown was never supposed to be mine, it was his. But now he’s gone and everyone just expects me to be okay. Sokka I don’t know what to do. My own people see me as a traitor and unfit to rule. Which I am, I don’t want the crown, not that I can wear it now anyways” He said with a water laugh.

Sokka wasn’t sure how to respond to such quiet misery, but he tried, “You deserve to be Firelord, Zuko. You’re doing such a good job it may not seem like it but your people do love you, Iroh’s death was not your fault. Blame the Ozai supporters or your asshole father, not yourself. And Zuko you haven’t lost all of your family, we’re all here for you, Zuko, and we’re worried for you. You gave us all quiet a scare when Suki and I found you. We’re all grieving for Iroh as well you’re not alone in this and you don’t have to talk to me but you need to talk to someone, or this is going to destroy you.” With that he left Zuko to his thoughts, having no clue how to help his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this fic is going to take a rather dark turn in the next chapter, so I'm going to be changing the rating for this fic to mature. I'll put trigger warnings in summer of the chapter, so this is just a little heads up. And as always thank you for reading!


	4. Things will get worse before they can get better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts and ideations

Zuko felt like screaming, not even Sokka his best friend wanted to be around him. He was a disappointment and a failure, Father should have killed him in that fateful Agni Kai, none of this would have happened if he was dead. The more rational part of Zuko’s brain whispered that he was being stupid and that type of thinking was wrong, but Zuko couldn’t deal with that right now. The sun light streaming through the open window of his bedroom glinted off of something on a table next to his bed. He walked over to it and picked it up. The blade in his hand was like a slap to the face. He unsheathed the pearl blade and stared at the inscription.

_“Never give up with out a fight”_

The fucking blade Uncle had given him, these words were not for him, he only ever gave up. He felt so numb, he held the blade over his wrist. A voice that sounded vaguely like his mother screamed in his head to stop. He stuffocated the voice, tears slipping out of his only eye. There was blood on the blade running down his arm to his fingertips. The cut wasn’t life threatening but the pain felt nice. He deserved it; he really did, he was a complete failure and everyone knew it. Why else would the others stay around so long, he was fine now, they were just keeping and eye on him making sure he didn’t turn into his father. There wasn’t any other explanation. Iroh was the only person who ad trusted for believed in him. But maybe Iroh was wrong maybe he was just like him father, he seemed to cause just as much death and Ozai had. Maybe the world was better off with out him.

…

Suki was checking up on Zuko, for Sokka, only for his room to be empty, or so she thought. There was light streaming from underneath the bathroom door. Suki quietly knocked.

“Zuko, are you in there?” There was not answer. Suki tried the door handle and found it locked. “Zuko? Its Suki can I come in? I’m worried about you.”

“No, you’re not.” Came a growled response.

Well now Suki was really concerned, she hadn’t heard Zuko sound like that since he was still chasing Aang and what did he mean she didn’t care about him?

“Zuko what’s wrong?”

No answer.

“Zuko I care about you, can I come in so we can talk.”

Still no answer. But that’s when the strong scent of blood hit her nose.

“Zuko I’m coming in” Suki said trying and failing to keep her voice calm. With a quick movement she broke the lock on the door, the servants would just fix it later, and enter the room. Zuko was slumped up against the far wall, holding a scrap of cloth weakly to his bleeding wrist, a bloody knife lay a few feet away from him.

He looked half dazed at her. He held out his cut wrist to her, “It won’t stop.”

Suki rushed over to him grabbing a small towel and wrapping it tightly around the cut in an attempt to stem the bleeding.

“Zuko, what happened, what’s gone on?” Suki soothed, though she knew it was a stupid question. She knew exactly what was wrong.

“I didn’t mean to cut that deep.”

As his words fully registered in her mind Suki quickly kicked the bloody knife with her foot away from where Zuko was sitting.

“Okay, it’s okay, you’re fine.” Suki said thinking of what her next course of action needed to be. She needed to get Zuko to Katara so she could heal the cut. Except Sokka and Katara had just left the palace to go get lunch in the city, Toph had left that morning to go back to the Earth Kingdom. She didn’t want to pull Aang into the situation, he was still so young. Her train of thought was cut off by the sound of Zuko’s door opening. Suki quickly placed Zuko’s free hand on the towels telling him to keep applying pressure, while she went to see who it was. 

Suki was both surprised and relieved to find it was Mai. Her and Zuko had been on and off since the end of the war, but Suki knew that despite their little fights both cared deeply for each other. Mai also had known Zuko since they were young children. If Mai was surprised to see Suki in Zuko’s room she didn’t show it.

“Hello Suki” she said in her normal subdued tone. “Is Zuko in here?”

Suki grabbed Mai by the elbow, pulling her out into the hallway after making sure there were no wandering servants or guards.

“Yes, he is, but we have a bit of a problem, and I need you to keep it to yourself.”

Mai’s face twisted in sudden concern, “What’s wrong, now?”

“He cut himself, on purpose. And he’s not being overly responsive either, Mai, I don’t know what to do.”

To her shock Mai just sighed, “It’s not the first time. He never told you?”

“No, he didn’t, this has been an ongoing issue?”

“Since we were young after his mother left, it got worst after he came back with Azula. I shouldn’t have left not after Iroh. I should have been here.”

“Well you’re here, now right? That’s what matters.”

The two girls entered the room again Suki locking the door behind her, Mai going ahead of her to the bathroom. Suki decided to wait out his Zuko’s room and let him talk to Mai for a little while, she had done all she could.

Mai entered the bathroom and found Zuko exactly how Suki had left him. She sat in front of him and started putting pressure on the blood-soaked towel, Zuko into a hug. Mai started talking in a gentle voice to Zuko asking about what happened and how she can help. He was responding to Mai’s questions which was good, but his one eye still look a bit glazed over like he was in a trance. Mai pressed a kiss to his temple.

“I’m so sorry for leaving I should have stayed around.”

“I don’t blame you for leaving, it’s what I would have done.”

“Zuko, no. I love you, you’ve done nothing wrong, I love you so much.” Mai said almost a little desperately. Tears began to run freely down Zuko’s right cheek.

“Why?” he croaked, “you shouldn’t love me, Mai. I’ll only end up hurting you.”

“Zuko it’s hurting me to see you like this, I can’t live with out you. Do you understand, I need you, your friends need you, your people need you; Iroh wouldn’t want this for you.”

“It should have been me, not him, it was never supposed to be him.”

“No, Zuko, it shouldn’t have been you. I’m thankful that you were spared, do you hear me, Zuko. You don’t deserve to die.” She finished pressing another kiss to his temple. “You don’t deserve this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for the dark chapter, I can guarantee that there will be more to come. I may or may not be self projecting a little bit. I plan on putting the trigger warnings on any future chapter that's like this one. Thanks :)


	5. There's always a little light at the end of the tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: talk about suicide and self harm

Sokka had been enjoying some nice quality sibling time with Katara, when Suki had tracked them down, frantic over something she apparently wasn’t about to talk about in such a public setting. Sokka was a little worried what could be so secretive that it required Katara’s attention, as far as Sokka was aware no one else but Zuko was hurt and Zuko was on the mend. When they got back to the palace Suki stopped right outside the Firelord’s door motioning for Katara to enter but holding Sokka back.

“I don’t want to overwhelm him with too many people, Mai and Katara will take care of it.

“Mai’s here, I thought she was on Kyoshi island visiting Ty Lee?”

“She was but after hearing about Iroh’s death she got her as quickly as she could.”

“Yeah, over a month too late.”

“Sokka, you know that’s not fair, we tried to keep Iroh’s death quiet in the beginning remember and it the rain season he ship was delayed because of the seasonal storms.”

“Still, Suki if it had been you, I would have found a way.” Was all Sokka said in response.

Suki chuckled, “how noble of you, but Mai’s here now and she’s not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“So, what happened? Is Zuko okay?”

“No, he’s not. Sokka, he tried to kill himself.”

Sokka didn’t know what to say, what could he say. He shouldn’t have left him alone, he had been with Zuko only a couple hours before, he shouldn’t have left him alone. He said as much to Suki and she just shook her head.

“You couldn’t have known what Zuko was going to do. Based off how I found Zuko, I don’t think he knew what he was doing either.”

The pair didn’t talk much after that, both studiously standing guard in front of Zuko’s door.

…

Katara wasn’t quite sure what to expect when you entered Zuko’s room, but Zuko and Mai curled up together on the bathroom floor, a blood-soaked towel wrapped tightly around Zuko’s wrist. Zuko was asleep in Mai’s arms, tear tracks still visible on his cheek. Mai, who was awake looked like she was close to tears when she made eye contact with Katara, relief washing over her face. Katara kneeled in front of the pair, and gently brushed a hand against Zuko’s cheek.

“What happened” she said in a low voice.

“Everything, I left him, his Uncle died, he was tortured for a week, and now he tried to kill himself.” Mai said dryly.

Katara pursed her lip together and motioned for Mai to release her hold on Zuko’s cut wrist. Mai obliged but did not let go of Zuko. Katara grabbed bandages from their spot by the sink, before undoing the towel. It was a nasty cut, but thankfully in his haste, Zuko had managed to miss any major arteries. Katara uncorked her water and began to heal the cut. It was deep but also a clean cut. Soon the cut was nothing more then a bad scrape, Katara wound the bandaged around his wrist.

Her and Mai haphazardly carried Zuko to his bed after Katara was done. Mai crawled up on the bed next to him stroking his short hair.

“There’s not even enough for a topknot.”

Katara hadn’t given Zuko’s hair much thought, though Mai was right his captures had cut his hair too short for a topknot. She sat down on the bed, on Zuko’s other side.

“I know it may not seem like a big deal to you but, in the fire nation you only cut off your topknot if you’re declared a traitor or if you are giving up your status.” Mai said quietly, still stroking his hair.

Katara hadn’t known that, though Zuko’s old stupid bald ponytail look made more sense.

“I’m glad you came back Mai, Zuko needs you right now.”

“I wish I never left; I wish I could have done something.” Mai said a tear spilling over her cheek.

“You should blame yourself Mai, no one could have known this was going to happen.”

“I guess. But I’m not leaving him now, I’ll stay with him tonight, sorry for bothering you and Sokka. But I appreciate you coming as quickly as you did.”

“Of course, Mai that’s what friends are for right.” Katara smiled softly at Mai and received a watery smile in return.

…

Hakoda was cursing himself, clearly Zuko was struggling, it was so plain and clear, Hakoda had spent countless nights staying up with Zuko after nightmares for the past month, making sure the kid was rarely alone. And now he was dealing with the consequences. Sokka and come running into Hakoda’s room ranting about how he was going to personally kill the people who had killed Iroh and taken Zuko. After Hakoda had calmed Sokka down, Sokka had told him about Zuko, which had Hakoda running out of his room and towards Zuko’s room. Suki stopped him at the door, Sokka right on his heels. Katara was also outside the door talking to Suki.

“Is Zuko okay?” Hakoda asked “should be in there alone?”

“He’s fine the cut shouldn’t scar but he’ll be a bit sore for the next few days. He’s not alone, Mai’s in there with him, she’s going to spend the night with him.”

Hakoda hadn’t realized that Mai was even in the Fire nation but it was probably a good thing that she was here, Zuko was going to need her. Zuko was going to need all of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really want Mai and Katara to be friends so here we are. I promise things will start to get better for Zuko eventually. Thank you are reading, and feed back is appreciated as always.


	6. Small Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: talk of self harm and suicide

Zuko woke in the early hours of the morning the next day, he glanced to his side to find Mai curled into his side. He vaguely remembered her being there, she had left him. He knew that wasn’t fair, she had come back. He also noted that he hadn’t had a single nightmare. His wrist was sore, he couldn’t remember why… never mind, he did remember. He’d have to apologize to Suki for bothering her.

Mai shifted next to him, “Zuko?” she said quietly.

“I’m awake.” Was all he said.

She adjusted herself so she was practically holding him, not unlike how his mother use to hold him.

“You scared us yesterday Zuko”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t you be sorry, Zuko. Talk to us, we don’t know how to help you of we don’t know what’s going on. I know it’s hard, I loved Iroh as well, but he was like your father, you can’t keep that bottled up.”

“Mai I can’t just fall apart like that.”

“You already have Zuko, you're the Firelord your people need you; I need you. I love you so much Zuko, I know we have our disagreements but there is nothing that will change the way I feel about you. But you need to talk to me. What happened that night Zuko, have you told anyone?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“So, tell me.”

Zuko sighed he knew Mai was right, he trusted her more than anyone else, so taking a deep breath he began, Uncle and I were playing pai sho in his chambers late at night. Everything was fine until the lanterns went out, and then there was about ten people in the room, I don’t really remember much about the fight.

“Where were the Kyoshi warriors and the palace guards? Shouldn’t they have been outside the door and windows?” Mai interjected.

“I gave the Kyoshi warriors the night off, which looking back was a stupid idea. As for the guards they must have managed to get past them. But Uncle and I managed to take out nearly half of them and I thought we were going to win, when Uncle collapsed. I was then struck with a small dart in the neck and as Uncle. Next thing I knew I was strung up in a metal cell. I don’t know what they did to him but they tortured Uncle first, I could hear his screams echoing down the hall.”

Mai tightened her grip on Zuko, trying to comfort him as he kept talking. Zuko could feel the tears coming, but found he didn’t care, “There were two, they both wore masks of some kind in the shape of a phoenix. One cut off my topknot and declared me a traitor to my people, he held by head in place while the other drew a bloody knife and carved out my left eye. I black out while he was doing it. The sound of more screams woke me again, but they were suddenly cut off. I remember the man telling me Uncle was dead, I screamed and raged at him, he broke my leg for it. They tortured me more not that I cared, not after they killed Uncle. Suki told me I was missing for about a week, so it was around then that Suki and Sokka found me.” Zuko finished, tears running freely now. He felt Mai kiss the top of his head.

“You’re not a traitor to you people, Zuko. I’m so sorry you had to go threw that. But your alive, you survived and we’re going to keep you that way.” Mai lapsed into silence after that, the teenagers just sat together for a long while listening to the sound of birds outside the window.

…

Around noon Mai got up and told Zuko she was going to get lunch for them from the kitchens and get a new change of clothes, her subtle hit that he should do the same. Zuko was putting on a fresh shirt when a knock sounded at his door.

“Zuko? It’s Hakoda, I ran into Mai in the hallway she said you awake can I come in.”

Zuko threw open the door and wrapped himself around Hakoda. Next to Iroh, Hakoda had become a father figure of sorts over the past year, and Zuko couldn’t be happier to see him at the moment. Hakoda wrapped his arms around the shaking teenager, moving them out of the hall and into Zuko’s room, closing the door softly behind them.

“I’ve got you son. I’m here.”

Zuko was trying very hard not to start sobbing, he’d been doing that a bit too much lately in his opinion. Hakoda just held on to him as if he was afraid Zuko would disappear.

“I heard about what happened last night.” Hakoda said after what felt like an eternity, “I afford to lose you Zuko, you understand that right?”

Zuko just nodded not releasing his grip on the older man’s torso.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, it was selfish of me to even consider it” Zuko said into Hakoda’s shirt.

“No, you’re hurting inside, I understand, Zuko. I understand it completely, I felt the same way after Kya died, but I couldn’t leave Sokka and Katara alone. And you can’t leave you nation alone Zuko, you’re strong, it may take time but you will get through this, your friends and I aren’t going any where we’re here for you.”

Zuko didn’t know how to answer so he just held on tighter, his fingers clenching the back of Hakoda’s shirt hard but if, Hakoda was in any sort of discomfort he didn’t show it.

Mai arrived a short time later bring lunch for the three of them. Hakoda and Mai didn’t bring up Iroh for force Zuko to talk. Mai talked about her trip to Kyoshi Island and Ty Lee, while Hakoda talked about the reconstruction of the Southern Water Tribe. And for the first time if months Zuko felt at peace, maybe they were right. Maybe some day he could get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised things are going to start to get better for Zuko.   
> Also here are the ages for the characters during the fic:  
> Zuko: 17   
> Mai: 16  
> Sokka: 16  
> Katara: 15  
> Suki: 16  
> Hakoda: 38  
> Thanks again for reading!


	7. As the darkenss settles in

Zuko took back everything he said, he could in fact not get better. He had started to attend meeting more regularly though Aang went with him to all of them. And between the pitying glances from the servants and the hateful looks from his ministers and officials during the meetings, Zuko was going to lose it. He hated it so much, he didn’t want anyone’s pity, he was fine he was working through things. He would really appreciate if everyone could just go back to normal. Deep down he knew that nothing would ever be normal again, not with Uncle gone. When he voiced this thought to Hakoda, he had been told that he just needed to find a new normal.

He had tried to help Suki and Sokka with the investigation on the people responsible to no result. The two had pushed him out of Sokka’s room and refused to tell him anything, saying they would handle it. Zuko knew it was wrong but he wanted revenge if Suki and Sokka thought that they take that bit of relief away from him they were wrong. Maybe it was time to bring out the Blue Spirit mask again, Aang was the only person who knew about it. He pushed the thought aside, just for now.

He had begun to train with his fire bending again, having to partially relearn how to fight with him being totally blind of him left side now. The bandages had come off a few days ago, he had opted to wear an eye patch, the empty eye socket being a little unsightly. The left side of his face was really messed up know the deep scar running from his hair line over his burn scar to his jawline, not much he could do to hid that.

Now that he was healed Katara was planning on heading back to the Southern Water Tribe. Zuko didn’t want to see her go but he couldn’t keep them all in the Fire nation forever. Hakoda said that he would stay for as long as he could, but Zuko didn’t know how long that would end up being it had almost been two months. At least Mai wasn’t going to leave, so that was a little comfort. 

It struck Zuko that to his knowledge no on had told his father or sister about Iroh’s death. He hadn’t even given them a thought, too consumed by his own grief and pain. They should know, as horrible as both of them were, he wouldn’t want to keep something like this from them.

Zuko went straight to Aang’s room and knocked on the door.

“Come in.” came Aang’s cheerful voice.

Zuko entered, Aang’s face immediately lighting up at the sight of him. Zuko didn’t miss how Aang’s smile momentarily faltered when he saw Zuko’s unbandaged face for the first time.

“Hi Zuko, what’s up?”

“Have you or anyone talked to my father or sister in the last two months, do they know about Uncle.”

Aang’s smile really did disappear then, “No I don’t think so.” He said hesitantly.

“Okay I’m going to of visit them late today.”

“Zuko, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Aang you have to stop babying me, I’m fine okay. I don’t need you at all my meetings and I don’t you need you to be telling me what I can and can’t do.”

“I’m not babying you, Zuko. I just don’t think that it’s the best idea for you to visit your father and sister right now.”

“And why not, I’m healed right, I’m Firelord for Agni’s sake I can do what I want.”

“Yes, Zuko I understand but the people who hurt you are still out there, it’s just not safe.”

“I’ll take Suki with me, okay?”

“I don’t know...”

“Oh, forget it!” Zuko half snarled storming out of Aang’s room. After Zuko left Aang rushed to find Hakoda, Sokka and Suki to warn them about Zuko.

...

“He’s in no condition to go and see his father right now.” Suki said.

“That’s what I told him but he just got really mad at me.”

“Where is Zuko now, Aang?” Hakoda questioned worry lines sketched deeply into his face.

“I don’t know. Oh no, I shouldn’t have left him alone.” Aang said panicked.

“It’s okay Aang he’s probably with Mai, she’s usually good at…” Sokka’s words were cut off by the appearance of Mai around the hallway corner.

“Mai have you seen Zuko” Suki said quickly.

“No, I was just looking for him but no one seems to know where he went.”

“Shit.” Sokka cursed, “He was asking about if his father and sister knew about Iroh’s death. Aang told him it wasn’t a good idea and he got all mad and stormed off. And now he’s missing.”

“Why didn’t someone go after him?”

“In my experience and anger Zuko is best left alone.” Aang said in his defense.

“Not under these circumstances.” Mai snapped, “Me and Suki will head to the prison where Ozai is, Sokka and Aang can go to Azula’s hospital. Chief Hakoda, can you stay here incase he comes back or never left.”

“Of course, Mai.”

“Thank you, let’s get going.”

...

The sound of Zuko’s footsteps echoed down the stone hallway, as he walked through the prison. His father was kept in the deepest part of the prison. As he descended the many steps of the prison, he steeled his nerves. He hadn’t talked to his father since the day he was crown Firelord. The guards outside his father’s cell looked surprised to see him.

“My lord, we weren’t expecting you.”

“It’s fine, I don’t send word ahead, I would like to see my father.”

The guard took out a ring of keys unlocking the door to the cell, metal door squeaking as it swung open. Zuko took a deep breath and stepped inside, the guard closing the door behind him.

“Zuko, how considerate of you to come and visit me.” Ozai drawled, a smirk playing across his lips. The smile only widened when Zuko stepped into the torch light of the cell. Zuko cursed himself, why had he come here the new scar barely healed, his hair traitorously short. He should have at least waited until his hair was long enough for a topknot. It was a rash decision to come here, but too late now. “And to what do I owe this pleasure from my esteemed Firelord.” Ozai mocked.

“Your brother is dead.”

The smirk fell from Ozai’s lips, “what did you say?”

“I said Iroh’s dead I thought you should know.” Agni, Zuko was very close to losing it he wanted his father to scream at him to rage, but this quiet, poisonous wrath mixed with regret, was what Zuko wanted to say it was though he knew his father better than that.

“How long ago.”

“Two months”

“How?”

“It’s your fault, they were your supports they came in the night and took him away, they tortured him first though. You would have been proud.”

“Get out”

Zuko wasn’t sure he heard him correctly, “What?”

“I said get out”

“I thought you’d be happy. Isn’t this what you wanted.”

Ozai seemed to lose control stand up pulling against the chain holding him to the wall, making Zuko jump. “Get out, damn you, did you not hear me get the fuck out!” he screamed.

Zuko scrambled back practically running out of the cell and down the hallway ignoring the guards, once he was away from them, he stopped sliding down onto the floor and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, that chapter was kinda difficult to write ngl, sorry for the angst. Thank you for reading.


	8. Your heaven doesn't want me

Suki and Mai ran through the prison hallways to Ozai’s cell. Suki just hoped they could get there before Zuko go to his father. While Suki agreed that Ozai should know about his brother’s death that wasn’t something that Zuko was in the right state of mind to be telling him. Suki was wrapped up in her own thoughts when Mai came to s sudden stop Suki running into her. Zuko was sitting on the floor of the empty hallway his face buried in his arms, knees to this chest.

“Oh, Zuko.” Mai said walking over to him. Mai dropped down in front of him and wrapped her arms around his shaking shoulders. Zuko accepted the hug, burying his face in Mai’s shoulder as he sobbed.

Suki felt like she was intruding on something, so she walked past them in the direction of Ozai’s cell. The guards on duty stopped her at the door.

“My Lady, I wouldn’t recommend seeing him right now. Firelord Zuko and Ozai just shared an unpleasant conversation. He’s a little unpredictable.”

“It’s alright, I can handle him, but I appreciate the warning.” The guard nodded unlocking the cell door. Suki stepped inside, the former Firelord was sitting cross-legged his chained hands in his lap.

“I thought I told you to get out.” Ozai snarled.

“I afraid you didn’t”

Ozai looked up at her, his scowl deepening, “No I guess I didn’t, here to defend your little excuse of a Firelord.”

“What did you say to him!” Suki raged.

“Exactly what he needed to hear.”

“Zuko doesn’t need to hear anything from you. He had the curtesy to come here and tell of Iroh’s death, by the hands of your own supporters, and you treat him like shit. He’s your own son, and double the man you’ll ever be.”

“Don’t you talk about my brother; don’t you say his name. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Now get out!”

“You don’t scare me, Ozai, but fine be by yourself. See what I care.”

…

“I should have listened I Aang. I shouldn’t have gone to see my father.” Zuko said into Mai’s shoulder, tears still sliding down his cheek.

Mai rubbed the back of his neck, “I know, but it’s over, there’s nothing you can do about it now.”

“He cared, why did he care. He was shocked when I told him, but he wasn’t happy about it. Why couldn’t he just remain a monster.”

“He is a monster Zuko, you don’t owe him anything. I just wished that you had come to one of us.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay Zuko, your grieving, we all understand that you’re not yourself, and that’s okay, just let us help you.”

“Okay.”

…

Hakoda was starting to worry, Aang and Sokka had already returned from the hospital that Azula was in. None of the staff or Azula had seen or heard form Zuko. Hakoda had stayed behind, but Zuko didn’t come back. Which meant he was at the prison, with his father. While Hakoda was glad Aang hadn’t been forced to kill Ozai, he hated that the man was still alive. Without his fire bending sure and rotting away in a jail cell, but even that was more then he deserved. Hakoda was about to head to the prison himself, when the door to Zuko’s chambers opened and Zuko walked in. Aang cried out in relief and tackled Zuko in a hug.

“I’m so sorry Zuko!” Aang cried, “I should have let you leave.”

Zuko awkwardly put an arm around the boy attached to his hip, “It’s okay Aang, I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“Glad your okay buddy.” Sokka said as he walked past Zuko and Aang, heading into the hall with Suki close on his tail. Aang noticing them leave took the initiative, letting go of Zuko, haft pulling Mai out of the room with him.

“Come on Mai, lets go visit the turtleducks.” He said, Mai shot Zuko and apologetic smile allowed her self to be dragged along, by the Avatar.

Zuko stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, Hakoda being the only one left in the room. Zuko prepared himself to get yelled at or hit for his actions. Instead Hakoda took up Aang’s place, holding Zuko to his chest like he was afraid Zuko was going to disappear at any moment.

Zuko was reminded of a tearful reunion in a tent outside of Ba Sing Se. He wrapped his arms around Hakoda, holding him even tighter.

“I’m not mad Zuko, I was just worried.”

“That’s what Mai said too”

“She’s smart like that. She cares about you; I care about you. You should have talked to us first. You don’t owe your father anything not after what he did to you.”

“He was upset by the news. He yelled at me. I don’t understand why he was upset he never cared about Uncle or me, so why do I care so much.”

“He’s your father Zuko, monster or not, he’s family. It’s hard to let that go sometimes.”

“I wish Aang had just killed him.” Zuko whispered, echoing Hakoda’s earlier though. Deep down Zuko was glad that Aang, who was a child, had found a different way to defeat his father. But that didn’t mean he wanted the man alive. “Uncle would still be alive if not for him. They wore phoenix masks, Hakoda, they-they want my father back on the throne. They’re going to keep coming.”

“And we’ll be here to protect you Zuko when they do.”

Zuko pulled back slightly, looking Hakoda in the eyes, “but I can’t keep that up forever, I want to help find the people responsible and put a stop to it.”

“Is that all you want, Zuko?”

“What do you mean.”

“Zuko, it was you who talked Katara out of revenge remember. Killing the people responsible isn’t going to bring back your Uncle, its not going to bring back your eye or anything else they took from you.”

Sometimes Zuko hated how easy he was to read. Hakoda had figured out this thought process way too fast, “I’m not going to try and get revenge, I just can’t be an effective Firelord with assassins always after me.” That much was true, but by the look on Hakoda’s face Zuko knew he wasn’t buying it.

“Let your guards and the Kyoshi warriors handle it Zuko, and don’t even thin about going out as the Blue Spirit.” Hakoda finished, Zuko staring in shock at him.

“How did you-“

“Your not as stealthy as you think Zuko, and a horrible liar on top of that.” To Hakoda’s surprise, Zuko let out a quiet laugh. It was short and small but it was best thing Hakoda had heard in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hakoda once again to the rescue. I don't know were I'm going to take the story from here, so I don't know how soon the next chapter will be up. As always feedback is appreciated, thank you for reading.


	9. Just the beginning

It had almost been a year since he and Iroh had been taken. Zuko doubted that he would ever stop grieving to some extent, but he could except what happened. He could except that there was nothing he could do to change the past. Most of his friends had left to go back home. To his surprise he was okay with them leaving. Of course, he was sad to see them go, but he knew that he could get on with out the. Mai and Hakoda were now the only people left, though it would only be Mai soon enough.

Hakoda was in his room packing up his things, he had been away form the Southern Water Tribe long enough and he really needed to get back. Zuko seemed okay now. He had taken up his full Firelord duties again, Aang having left two months ago. It had been a long year, for everyone.

Someone cleared their throat behind him. Hakoda turned to find Zuko standing in his doorway.

“The ship from the Southern Water Tribe just arrived.” Zuko said. Hakoda smiled at the boy, he was wearing his formal Firelord robes, his hair finally long enough to hold up his crown. Zuko still wore the eye patch over his left eye. He had overcome so much over the past year, and Hakoda knew he would be stronger for it.

“I can’t stay long I have a meeting soon but I wanted to say goodbye.” He said not looking Hakoda in the eyes.

Hakoda hugged the teenager, “You’re going to write to me, right? And perhaps sometime you and Mai will come and visit the Southern Water Tribe.”

Zuko nodded, “Of course, if I can ever get away from my stupid meetings.” Zuko said with a smile

Hakoda laughed, “I’m sure Piandao can help you with that one.”

“Have a safe trip back.”

“Don’t worry Zuko, everything’s going to be fine.”

…

That night Zuko was up late in his office, working on paper work for some new law, Chief Hakoda long gone, when someone knocked on the door. Zuko frowned it was a little late for any of the council member to be paying a visit and Mai was sitting was in his room last he knew. She probably wouldn’t have bothered knocking either. He got up and opened the door. There wasn’t anyone in the hall, he was taking a step forward when his foot stepped on something. He looked down to find a letter. Cautiously she picked it up and brought the letter inside his office, locking the door behind him. The letter was unremarkable except for the gold seal on the front. The insignia was unlike any he had ever seen before, a dragon twisted around, its face twisted in a scream, fire surrounded the beast consuming its delicate wings. He broke the strange seal pulling out the letter inside.

He read the letter through, once, twice, a third time. The letter caught fire as he held it in between his fingers, he allowed it to burn ashes falling onto his desk.

He stood grabbing the Dao blades off their place in the wall. He had a job to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! I finished my first fanfic! Thank you to all the readers of this story and was patient with me as I navigated my way through the ins and outs for being a writer. And don't worry about the cliff hanger, I have a sequel in the works. ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thank you so much for reading. I intend to write more for this fanfic, though this is my first time so please be patient with me. Feedback is appreciated! :)


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